You think you know him inside (the bedroom) and out. Until
he hits you with a major sex confession that leaves you reeling.
Here's how to recover, says Siski Green
You love his surprising sex moves. The way he comes up behind you and kisses your neck while you're doing your hair, the way he occasionally wakes you at midnight because he just can't wait 'til morning, or how he'll suddenly lift you on top of him in bed... but even with that spontaneity, there's a certain level of underlying knowledge. "You think you've got his sex style sussed, even the unpredictable elements," says sex expert Dr Pam Spurr (drpam.co.uk). "And it's precisely then that a sex revelation can hit you for six." So, be prepared for any sex curveballs he throws your way with our experts' guide.
IF HE'S SLEPT WITH A LOT OF WOMEN
When he seems to have a large number of skeletons in his sexual closet, you can't help but question his selection criteria. And as Katrina, 26, from Bristol, found, it can make you wonder how you can possibly stand out from the rest. "I met a scuba-diving instructor while I was working in Thailand," says Katrina. "He'd been there for years, and let's just say he took full advantage of both his position and the non-stop flow of tourists. When I found out, I wondered whether I was actually special in any way, or just another notch on his bedpost."
RESCUE AND RECOVER Although it might be tempting to ignore the issue, understanding how he feels about having slept with so many women and what you do that's different is the best way to move on. "So, get answers to allay your fears," says Dr Spurr. She suggests asking, "Is there a reason why you haven't spent more than one night with so many women? How are things different with us?" "If your guy is genuinely into you, he should be able to give you answers that make you feel better," says Dr Spurr. "Some men just haven't met the right woman; others simply think they need to spend time playing around before they're ready to settle down."
Luckily for Katrina, any exes in her men's past were left behind when they left Thailand. This is important for moving on, says Dr Spurr. "Trying to imagine what they were like will send you up the wall," she says. "It's like trying to guess what every meal he's ever eaten tasted like. You wouldn't waste your time trying to compare your cooking to someone else's if you hadn't tasted it yourself, so don't do it with sex." Just enjoy what you two have together, because ultimately that's all that matters.
IF HE REFUSES TO GO SOUTH
Rather like ordering a 99 only to find they forgot your Flake, discovering that your fella isn't keen on going down can leave you feeling unsatisfied. "I'd noticed he hadn't been eager to head down there, so one night I gently pushed his head towards my belly, as a hint," says Suzy, 32, from London. "It was like trying to shove a cork back inside a wine bottle - he would not go down! So I asked him what the problem was, and he told me his tongue gets too tired because it takes too long. I would've dumped him on the spot had he not been near perfect in every other way."
RESCUE AND RECOVER There are as many reasons for men's lack of interest in cunnilingus as there are for women's lack of desire to perform fellatio: don't like the taste, the sensation, the hair, the hygiene aspects and so on. For Suzy's problem, however, there is a solution. "They call fellatio a blowjob because it can feel like hard work sometimes, and it's the same with cunnilingus," says sex therapist Dr Ian Kerner, author of Passionista: The Empowered Woman's Guide To Pleasuring Her Man. "Keeping your tongue sticking out of your mouth, applying pressure, can take it out of his poor appendage!" So, just as you might get your guy going with some handiwork before using your mouth, it's a good idea to get your arousal levels sky-high before he heads south. "Take his finger between yours and show him how to touch you," says Dr Kerner. "That way he can't be too rough - the most common problem with finger-based arousal. And use a vibrator - before he goes down on you and during. That'll speed things up."
Not all issues, however, are as easy to solve as Suzy's - and if he's adamant that it's not for him, you might just have to live with it. "Just as you would hate to be pressured to give a guy head, it would be utterly awful of you to demand he go down on you," says Dr Spurr. "No one has a right to get oral. You are, however, in charge of your own sex and love life, so you need to make it crystal clear that it's the best way for you to orgasm, so if he's not willing to at least try, it'll be more difficult for him to satisfy you."
IF HE GOES SOLO, EVEN WHEN YOU'RE THERE
Panting quietly, he enjoys a secret rendezvous with Mrs Palm and her five daughters... as you sleep innocently beside him. Creepy or what? "It totally freaked me out to realise he'd been wanking while he thought I was asleep," says Shawna, 28, from Brighton. "If he wasn't thinking about someone else, why wouldn't he just have sex with me?"
RESCUE AND RECOVER This is how it is: for him, sex with you is like a great game of football - it's all about teamwork, strategy, skill and that euphoric feeling when he scores the all-important goal. Masturbation is like a game of Angry Birds; it's fun, but requires little thought and is over in minutes (even seconds!). "Masturbation is not like sex - it's not better or worse, necessarily, it's just a different experience," says Dr Kerner. "There is no sex on earth so good that it'll make a man stop masturbating. The issue here is that he does it next to you, making you feel as though you're expendable." So, set some guidelines. "I told my boyfriend that if he wanted to masturbate when he was at mine, it had to be a joint effort," says Shawna. "Or he'd have to save it for his own bed."
IF HE'S SLEPT WITH A PROSTITUTE
Only desperados or unhappily married men sleep with hookers, right? Wrong. It's far more common than you think. In fact, a 2005 survey from the UK's National Centre For Social Research showed that one in ten men have paid for sex. "My boyfriend told me, 'Everyone's done it at least once,'" says Kristen, 33, from London. "I didn't believe him. I couldn't believe he'd sink so low as to pay someone for something he could get for free. It didn't make sense."
RESCUE AND RECOVER "With men going on stag weekends in places where cheap sex is more easily available, it may have become more common," says Dr Spurr. "That doesn't excuse it - many of these women are exploited and abused - but while you may be able to forgive a one-off, repeat visits are a different matter. That indicates a deeper psychological or physical need that can't or hasn't been addressed through a normal relationship." So, the way to ease your fears - that he's not a scumbag who has no respect for women - is to find out how it made him feel. "He said it was obvious she wasn't enjoying the sex, and that meant he couldn't," says Kristen. "It wasn't an intimate connection, but something functional and spur-of-the-moment with the lads. It doesn't make it cool, but it helped me understand why he'd done it."
IF HE'S A RECOVERING SEX ADDICT
With myths like 'men think about sex every seven seconds,' you'd be forgiven for assuming every man is a sex addict. "Only 5% of the UK's population suffers sex addiction, but it is a serious problem for the individual affected," says Dr Kerner. "It's a need for sex, no matter how risky - to the point where it threatens your relationship, work, friends and family." For Sarah, 29, from Birmingham, it became a deal-breaker. "I felt isolated because people didn't understand my partner's condition: they made jokes, or thought I was overreacting," she says. "I did some research and found out it's a disorder causing compulsive seeking of sex wherever the man can get it."
RESCUE AND RECOVER Like being an alcoholic or a smoker, being a sex addict is something that can be managed. "One sign of sex addiction is an inability to connect emotionally with a partner," says Dr Kerner. "So if he's able to confide in you, it's a great sign." But you also need to trust that the sex you have is meaningful. "A simple way to create intimacy during sex is to look into each other's eyes," says Dr Kerner. "Face-to-face sideways sex is perfect for a real emotional connection." Lie on the sofa, your back against the backrest with him facing you. Hook your leg over his and take him inside you. This gives you maximum contact, and the sofa back supports you so he's got something to thrust against. For information, visit addictionsuk.com or call its helpline, 0845 4567030.
IF HE'S HAD SEX WITH A MAN
It's bad enough having to compete with the rest of the female population, but worrying about whether he's eyeing up another guy? Way too much pressure. "I've got short cropped hair," says Becky, 31, from London. "So when my boyfriend told me about 'stuff' he'd done before, I immediately thought he fancied me because I looked like a boy. And then I got paranoid about his friends. He had these 'in jokes' with his close male friends and it made me feel jealous, as thought he had something really special with them, something I couldn't compete with."
RESCUE AND RECOVER The old "You're either gay, straight or lying" idea is applied to men because there's a feeling that if a guy is willing to go with another man, he must be 100% homosexual. "But some men, just like some women, don't have a particular sexual orientation - they choose individuals to fall in love with," says Dr Kerner. "You need to ask him why he felt the need to reveal this to you. If it's because he feels unsure about who he finds attractive, then that could be a problem. But if he's simply bisexual and 100% committed to you, then that's a cause for celebration. Why? Because a guy who is willing to lay all his cards on the table in this way is someone you can trust to play fair." And lastly, stop worrying about your short hair, small beasts or tall stature, says Dr Kerner. "If he's into guys and girls, you can take it as a huge compliment that out of all the women and men in the world, he chose you!"
You love his surprising sex moves. The way he comes up behind you and kisses your neck while you're doing your hair, the way he occasionally wakes you at midnight because he just can't wait 'til morning, or how he'll suddenly lift you on top of him in bed... but even with that spontaneity, there's a certain level of underlying knowledge. "You think you've got his sex style sussed, even the unpredictable elements," says sex expert Dr Pam Spurr (drpam.co.uk). "And it's precisely then that a sex revelation can hit you for six." So, be prepared for any sex curveballs he throws your way with our experts' guide.
IF HE'S SLEPT WITH A LOT OF WOMEN
When he seems to have a large number of skeletons in his sexual closet, you can't help but question his selection criteria. And as Katrina, 26, from Bristol, found, it can make you wonder how you can possibly stand out from the rest. "I met a scuba-diving instructor while I was working in Thailand," says Katrina. "He'd been there for years, and let's just say he took full advantage of both his position and the non-stop flow of tourists. When I found out, I wondered whether I was actually special in any way, or just another notch on his bedpost."
RESCUE AND RECOVER Although it might be tempting to ignore the issue, understanding how he feels about having slept with so many women and what you do that's different is the best way to move on. "So, get answers to allay your fears," says Dr Spurr. She suggests asking, "Is there a reason why you haven't spent more than one night with so many women? How are things different with us?" "If your guy is genuinely into you, he should be able to give you answers that make you feel better," says Dr Spurr. "Some men just haven't met the right woman; others simply think they need to spend time playing around before they're ready to settle down."
Luckily for Katrina, any exes in her men's past were left behind when they left Thailand. This is important for moving on, says Dr Spurr. "Trying to imagine what they were like will send you up the wall," she says. "It's like trying to guess what every meal he's ever eaten tasted like. You wouldn't waste your time trying to compare your cooking to someone else's if you hadn't tasted it yourself, so don't do it with sex." Just enjoy what you two have together, because ultimately that's all that matters.
IF HE REFUSES TO GO SOUTH
Rather like ordering a 99 only to find they forgot your Flake, discovering that your fella isn't keen on going down can leave you feeling unsatisfied. "I'd noticed he hadn't been eager to head down there, so one night I gently pushed his head towards my belly, as a hint," says Suzy, 32, from London. "It was like trying to shove a cork back inside a wine bottle - he would not go down! So I asked him what the problem was, and he told me his tongue gets too tired because it takes too long. I would've dumped him on the spot had he not been near perfect in every other way."
RESCUE AND RECOVER There are as many reasons for men's lack of interest in cunnilingus as there are for women's lack of desire to perform fellatio: don't like the taste, the sensation, the hair, the hygiene aspects and so on. For Suzy's problem, however, there is a solution. "They call fellatio a blowjob because it can feel like hard work sometimes, and it's the same with cunnilingus," says sex therapist Dr Ian Kerner, author of Passionista: The Empowered Woman's Guide To Pleasuring Her Man. "Keeping your tongue sticking out of your mouth, applying pressure, can take it out of his poor appendage!" So, just as you might get your guy going with some handiwork before using your mouth, it's a good idea to get your arousal levels sky-high before he heads south. "Take his finger between yours and show him how to touch you," says Dr Kerner. "That way he can't be too rough - the most common problem with finger-based arousal. And use a vibrator - before he goes down on you and during. That'll speed things up."
Not all issues, however, are as easy to solve as Suzy's - and if he's adamant that it's not for him, you might just have to live with it. "Just as you would hate to be pressured to give a guy head, it would be utterly awful of you to demand he go down on you," says Dr Spurr. "No one has a right to get oral. You are, however, in charge of your own sex and love life, so you need to make it crystal clear that it's the best way for you to orgasm, so if he's not willing to at least try, it'll be more difficult for him to satisfy you."
IF HE GOES SOLO, EVEN WHEN YOU'RE THERE
Panting quietly, he enjoys a secret rendezvous with Mrs Palm and her five daughters... as you sleep innocently beside him. Creepy or what? "It totally freaked me out to realise he'd been wanking while he thought I was asleep," says Shawna, 28, from Brighton. "If he wasn't thinking about someone else, why wouldn't he just have sex with me?"
RESCUE AND RECOVER This is how it is: for him, sex with you is like a great game of football - it's all about teamwork, strategy, skill and that euphoric feeling when he scores the all-important goal. Masturbation is like a game of Angry Birds; it's fun, but requires little thought and is over in minutes (even seconds!). "Masturbation is not like sex - it's not better or worse, necessarily, it's just a different experience," says Dr Kerner. "There is no sex on earth so good that it'll make a man stop masturbating. The issue here is that he does it next to you, making you feel as though you're expendable." So, set some guidelines. "I told my boyfriend that if he wanted to masturbate when he was at mine, it had to be a joint effort," says Shawna. "Or he'd have to save it for his own bed."
IF HE'S SLEPT WITH A PROSTITUTE
Only desperados or unhappily married men sleep with hookers, right? Wrong. It's far more common than you think. In fact, a 2005 survey from the UK's National Centre For Social Research showed that one in ten men have paid for sex. "My boyfriend told me, 'Everyone's done it at least once,'" says Kristen, 33, from London. "I didn't believe him. I couldn't believe he'd sink so low as to pay someone for something he could get for free. It didn't make sense."
RESCUE AND RECOVER "With men going on stag weekends in places where cheap sex is more easily available, it may have become more common," says Dr Spurr. "That doesn't excuse it - many of these women are exploited and abused - but while you may be able to forgive a one-off, repeat visits are a different matter. That indicates a deeper psychological or physical need that can't or hasn't been addressed through a normal relationship." So, the way to ease your fears - that he's not a scumbag who has no respect for women - is to find out how it made him feel. "He said it was obvious she wasn't enjoying the sex, and that meant he couldn't," says Kristen. "It wasn't an intimate connection, but something functional and spur-of-the-moment with the lads. It doesn't make it cool, but it helped me understand why he'd done it."
IF HE'S A RECOVERING SEX ADDICT
With myths like 'men think about sex every seven seconds,' you'd be forgiven for assuming every man is a sex addict. "Only 5% of the UK's population suffers sex addiction, but it is a serious problem for the individual affected," says Dr Kerner. "It's a need for sex, no matter how risky - to the point where it threatens your relationship, work, friends and family." For Sarah, 29, from Birmingham, it became a deal-breaker. "I felt isolated because people didn't understand my partner's condition: they made jokes, or thought I was overreacting," she says. "I did some research and found out it's a disorder causing compulsive seeking of sex wherever the man can get it."
RESCUE AND RECOVER Like being an alcoholic or a smoker, being a sex addict is something that can be managed. "One sign of sex addiction is an inability to connect emotionally with a partner," says Dr Kerner. "So if he's able to confide in you, it's a great sign." But you also need to trust that the sex you have is meaningful. "A simple way to create intimacy during sex is to look into each other's eyes," says Dr Kerner. "Face-to-face sideways sex is perfect for a real emotional connection." Lie on the sofa, your back against the backrest with him facing you. Hook your leg over his and take him inside you. This gives you maximum contact, and the sofa back supports you so he's got something to thrust against. For information, visit addictionsuk.com or call its helpline, 0845 4567030.
IF HE'S HAD SEX WITH A MAN
It's bad enough having to compete with the rest of the female population, but worrying about whether he's eyeing up another guy? Way too much pressure. "I've got short cropped hair," says Becky, 31, from London. "So when my boyfriend told me about 'stuff' he'd done before, I immediately thought he fancied me because I looked like a boy. And then I got paranoid about his friends. He had these 'in jokes' with his close male friends and it made me feel jealous, as thought he had something really special with them, something I couldn't compete with."
RESCUE AND RECOVER The old "You're either gay, straight or lying" idea is applied to men because there's a feeling that if a guy is willing to go with another man, he must be 100% homosexual. "But some men, just like some women, don't have a particular sexual orientation - they choose individuals to fall in love with," says Dr Kerner. "You need to ask him why he felt the need to reveal this to you. If it's because he feels unsure about who he finds attractive, then that could be a problem. But if he's simply bisexual and 100% committed to you, then that's a cause for celebration. Why? Because a guy who is willing to lay all his cards on the table in this way is someone you can trust to play fair." And lastly, stop worrying about your short hair, small beasts or tall stature, says Dr Kerner. "If he's into guys and girls, you can take it as a huge compliment that out of all the women and men in the world, he chose you!"
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