You think you know him inside (the bedroom) and out. Until
he hits you with a major sex confession that leaves you reeling.
Here's how to recover, says Siski Green
You love his surprising sex moves. The way he comes up behind
you and kisses your neck while you're doing your hair, the way he
occasionally wakes you at midnight because he just can't wait 'til
morning, or how he'll suddenly lift you on top of him in bed... but
even with that spontaneity, there's a certain level of underlying
knowledge. "You think you've got his sex style sussed, even the
unpredictable elements," says sex expert Dr Pam Spurr
(drpam.co.uk). "And it's precisely then that a sex revelation can
hit you for six." So, be prepared for any sex curveballs he throws
your way with our experts' guide.
IF HE'S SLEPT WITH A LOT OF
WOMEN
When he seems to have a large number of skeletons in his sexual
closet, you can't help but question his selection criteria. And as
Katrina, 26, from Bristol, found, it can make you wonder how you
can possibly stand out from the rest. "I met a scuba-diving
instructor while I was working in Thailand," says Katrina. "He'd
been there for years, and let's just say he took full advantage of
both his position and the non-stop flow of tourists. When I found
out, I wondered whether I was actually special in any way, or just
another notch on his bedpost."
RESCUE AND RECOVER Although it might be
tempting to ignore the issue, understanding how he feels about
having slept with so many women and what you do that's different is
the best way to move on. "So, get answers to allay your fears,"
says Dr Spurr. She suggests asking, "Is there a reason why you
haven't spent more than one night with so many women? How are
things different with us?" "If your guy is genuinely into you, he
should be able to give you answers that make you feel better," says
Dr Spurr. "Some men just haven't met the right woman; others simply
think they need to spend time playing around before they're ready
to settle down."
Luckily for Katrina, any exes in her men's past were left behind
when they left Thailand. This is important for moving on, says Dr
Spurr. "Trying to imagine what they were like will send you up the
wall," she says. "It's like trying to guess what every meal he's
ever eaten tasted like. You wouldn't waste your time trying to
compare your cooking to someone else's if you hadn't tasted it
yourself, so don't do it with sex." Just enjoy what you two have
together, because ultimately that's all that matters.
IF HE REFUSES TO GO SOUTH
Rather like ordering a 99 only to find they forgot your Flake,
discovering that your fella isn't keen on going down can leave you
feeling unsatisfied. "I'd noticed he hadn't been eager to head down
there, so one night I gently pushed his head towards my belly, as a
hint," says Suzy, 32, from London. "It was like trying to shove a
cork back inside a wine bottle - he would not go down! So I asked
him what the problem was, and he told me his tongue gets too tired
because it takes too long. I would've dumped him on the spot had he
not been near perfect in every other way."
RESCUE AND RECOVER There are as many reasons
for men's lack of interest in cunnilingus as there are for women's
lack of desire to perform fellatio: don't like the taste, the
sensation, the hair, the hygiene aspects and so on. For Suzy's
problem, however, there is a solution. "They call fellatio a
blowjob because it can feel like hard work sometimes, and it's the
same with cunnilingus," says sex therapist Dr Ian Kerner, author of
Passionista: The Empowered Woman's Guide To Pleasuring Her
Man. "Keeping your tongue sticking out of your mouth, applying
pressure, can take it out of his poor appendage!" So, just as you
might get your guy going with some handiwork before using your
mouth, it's a good idea to get your arousal levels sky-high before
he heads south. "Take his finger between yours and show him how to
touch you," says Dr Kerner. "That way he can't be too rough - the
most common problem with finger-based arousal. And use a vibrator -
before he goes down on you and during. That'll speed things
up."
Not all issues, however, are as easy to solve as Suzy's - and if
he's adamant that it's not for him, you might just have to live
with it. "Just as you would hate to be pressured to give a guy
head, it would be utterly awful of you to demand he go down on
you," says Dr Spurr. "No one has a right to get oral. You are,
however, in charge of your own sex and love life, so you need to
make it crystal clear that it's the best way for you to orgasm, so
if he's not willing to at least try, it'll be more difficult for
him to satisfy you."
IF HE GOES SOLO, EVEN WHEN YOU'RE
THERE
Panting quietly, he enjoys a secret rendezvous with Mrs Palm and
her five daughters... as you sleep innocently beside him. Creepy or
what? "It totally freaked me out to realise he'd been wanking while
he thought I was asleep," says Shawna, 28, from Brighton. "If he
wasn't thinking about someone else, why wouldn't he just have sex
with me?"
RESCUE AND RECOVER This is how it is: for him,
sex with you is like a great game of football - it's all about
teamwork, strategy, skill and that euphoric feeling when he scores
the all-important goal. Masturbation is like a game of Angry
Birds; it's fun, but requires little thought and is over in
minutes (even seconds!). "Masturbation is not like sex - it's not
better or worse, necessarily, it's just a different experience,"
says Dr Kerner. "There is no sex on earth so good that it'll make a
man stop masturbating. The issue here is that he does it next to
you, making you feel as though you're expendable." So, set some
guidelines. "I told my boyfriend that if he wanted to masturbate
when he was at mine, it had to be a joint effort," says Shawna. "Or
he'd have to save it for his own bed."
IF HE'S SLEPT WITH A
PROSTITUTE
Only desperados or unhappily married men sleep with hookers,
right? Wrong. It's far more common than you think. In fact, a 2005
survey from the UK's National Centre For Social Research showed
that one in ten men have paid for sex. "My boyfriend told me,
'Everyone's done it at least once,'" says Kristen, 33, from London.
"I didn't believe him. I couldn't believe he'd sink so low as to
pay someone for something he could get for free. It didn't make
sense."
RESCUE AND RECOVER "With men going on stag
weekends in places where cheap sex is more easily available, it may
have become more common," says Dr Spurr. "That doesn't excuse it -
many of these women are exploited and abused - but while you may be
able to forgive a one-off, repeat visits are a different matter.
That indicates a deeper psychological or physical need that can't
or hasn't been addressed through a normal relationship." So, the
way to ease your fears - that he's not a scumbag who has no respect
for women - is to find out how it made him feel. "He said it was
obvious she wasn't enjoying the sex, and that meant he couldn't,"
says Kristen. "It wasn't an intimate connection, but something
functional and spur-of-the-moment with the lads. It doesn't make it
cool, but it helped me understand why he'd done it."
IF HE'S A RECOVERING SEX
ADDICT
With myths like 'men think about sex every seven seconds,' you'd
be forgiven for assuming every man is a sex addict. "Only 5% of the
UK's population suffers sex addiction, but it is a serious problem
for the individual affected," says Dr Kerner. "It's a need for sex,
no matter how risky - to the point where it threatens your
relationship, work, friends and family." For Sarah, 29, from
Birmingham, it became a deal-breaker. "I felt isolated because
people didn't understand my partner's condition: they made jokes,
or thought I was overreacting," she says. "I did some research and
found out it's a disorder causing compulsive seeking of sex
wherever the man can get it."
RESCUE AND RECOVER Like being an alcoholic or a
smoker, being a sex addict is something that can be managed. "One
sign of sex addiction is an inability to connect emotionally with a
partner," says Dr Kerner. "So if he's able to confide in you, it's
a great sign." But you also need to trust that the sex you have is
meaningful. "A simple way to create intimacy during sex is to look
into each other's eyes," says Dr Kerner. "Face-to-face sideways sex
is perfect for a real emotional connection." Lie on the sofa, your
back against the backrest with him facing you. Hook your leg over
his and take him inside you. This gives you maximum contact, and
the sofa back supports you so he's got something to thrust against.
For information, visit addictionsuk.com or call its helpline, 0845
4567030.
IF HE'S HAD SEX WITH A MAN
It's bad enough having to compete with the rest of the female
population, but worrying about whether he's eyeing up another guy?
Way too much pressure. "I've got short cropped hair," says Becky,
31, from London. "So when my boyfriend told me about 'stuff' he'd
done before, I immediately thought he fancied me because I looked
like a boy. And then I got paranoid about his friends. He had these
'in jokes' with his close male friends and it made me feel jealous,
as thought he had something really special with them, something I
couldn't compete with."
RESCUE AND RECOVER The old "You're either gay,
straight or lying" idea is applied to men because there's a feeling
that if a guy is willing to go with another man, he must be 100%
homosexual. "But some men, just like some women, don't have a
particular sexual orientation - they choose individuals to fall in
love with," says Dr Kerner. "You need to ask him why he felt the
need to reveal this to you. If it's because he feels unsure about
who he finds attractive, then that could be a problem. But if he's
simply bisexual and 100% committed to you, then that's a cause for
celebration. Why? Because a guy who is willing to lay all his cards
on the table in this way is someone you can trust to play fair."
And lastly, stop worrying about your short hair, small beasts or
tall stature, says Dr Kerner. "If he's into guys and girls, you can
take it as a huge compliment that out of all the women and men in
the world, he chose you!"
